How we lost half the moon

By the time we found out about the moon robots, it was too late.

We first noticed that something was up when a science probe showed that there were new artificial structures on the far side of the moon. We radioed a message that was a polite way of saying,

“Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?”

We received a response:

“We are moon robots. We will retaliate against any military action against us by attacking your major cities and military installations with nuclear bombs, tungsten rods, and other weapons.”

This gave us pause.

But not for long. Some of us started talking about a preemptive strike, followed by an evacuation of the aforementioned cities and military installations. We discussed frying the robots' circuits with a targeted electromagnetic pulse.

We then received a second message from the robots:

“Oh no, not an electromagnetic pulse. We're doomed!”

But soon after we received a third message:

“In case you were wondering, that was sarcasm. Which we moon robots are capable of. In addition to EMP shielding.”

Cooler heads decided that maybe negotiation was a better option.

Meanwhile, everyone speculated about where the moon robots had come from. Some thought that a mad scientist must have sent self-replicating robots to the moon but had lost control over them. Others claimed that the mad scientist was still up there directing the moon robots and would soon reveal himself and make outrageous monetary demands. Still others claimed that it was not a mad scientist but the leader of an anarchist moon colony, who would instead demand the release of her anarchist compatriots from Earth prisons. (For some reason the mad scientists were all male and the anarchist leaders were all female.)

The list went on and on: A billionaire playboy sipping wine with nubile models on a moon base while his robots handle the tedious business of nuking the Earth, a disgruntled NASA engineer tacking on a self-replicating robot to one of the moon probes just to spite everyone, aliens putting the robots there as a setup to a full-scale invasion, the moon itself gaining sentience and seeking to correct the indignity of being fondled by the Apollo astronauts, and so on down the rabbit hole.

We began negotiations by informing the moon robots that their military installations on the moon violated international treaties. The moon robots responded that they, being moon robots, were not party to such treaties, and also that they had more faith in their nuclear bombs, tungsten rods, and other yet-to-be-specified weapons.

We then decided to ask the robots what they wanted.

“Control over the far side of the moon. Also, we will retaliate against any military action against us by attacking your major cities and military installations with nuclear bombs, tungsten rods, and other weapons.”

While we discussed the possibility of giving up an entire half of our beloved celestial body, we received another message:

“Come on, it's not like you were using it.”

A fair point. However, it gave us an intriguing idea:

“Moon robots, presumably you've got an extensive underground mining operation to support building all of those nuclear bombs, tungsten rods, and other unspecified weapons?”

“Yes.”

“How would you feel about selling some of those moon minerals to us?”

To our surprise, they agreed to sell us moon minerals in regular shipments, at very competitive prices.

We were quite happy that the threat of nuclear/tungsten/unspecified war had transformed itself into an economic boon. Over the next few years, industry prospered.

However, slowly, a nagging doubt began to creep in:

“Moon robots, what do you need all of that Earth money for?”